Icebox paradox

My family often complains that there is nothing in the house to eat. I tell them that this is a logical impossibility. There is enough food, measured by weight, in our kitchen and garage freezer to keep this family alive for months. When the zombie wars come to Medford, I feel confident that we will survive securely barricaded in our home fortress until the whole thing blows over.

The truth behind the paradox, and the reason the kids are whining, is that this tremendous repository of foodstuffs contains very little in the way of MREs. There are generally carrots, and celery, and fresh fruit of some kind. With luck there might be some leftovers to snack on (unless I've marked them with the little red sticker that means "don't eat this, it's for dinner.") Other than that, they're going to have to make it themselves.

So I might be willing to concede a point to the complainers. Today, while trying to locate the source of a certain dirty-gym-socks aroma, I was struck by the large number of jars occupying the refrigerator that would fail to fulfill the desires of a midnight forager.

Now here's an apparent non-sequiter, but just stick with me, because it's important background information...

A couple of months ago I offered daughter Alekka (age 13) a cash prize if she would memorize the Tom Lehrer song in which he lists all the elements of the periodic table (as of 1959) to a tune from "The Pirates of Penzance." She learned it, and if she can overcome her camera-shyness, I'll eventually get it on video and post it here. Meanwhile here's Tom Lehrer.



(and yeah, I know the difference between silicon and silicone. It's still the most entertaining rendition of this song on YouTube)

So getting back to the fridge, it occurred to me that the contents of my icebox might make a good patter song. Turns out condiments don't make for easy lyrics - I was consistently "bothered for a rhyme" - and I took a little liberty with the way the verses go by alternating 8-syllable-line stanzas with 16-syllable-line ones. But I'm still pretty chuffed about how it turned out.

Periodic Table of the Condiments

There’s ….
Kosher dills, sweet honey mustard, mango pickle, pesto, brie
Mint apple jelly, feta cheese, slab bacon, prunes, pine nuts, sel gris

There’s oyster sauce and peanut butter
Dried figs and cheap yellow mustard
Capers, currants, dates, dried figs
And bacon from organic pigs.

There’s
Tamarind chutney, soy sauce, mayonnaise, bleu cheese dressing, gorgonzola
Gyoza sauce, aioli, crème fraiche, almonds, Kalamata olives

Wasabi oil, molasses, yeast
Exotic curry blend - Far East
Green peppercorns and lemons (ten)
Some spices Ethiopian.

There’s
Homemade jams of apricot, rose petal, orange, and loganberry
Half and half, mixed relish, hot fudge, vinegar from oak-aged sherry

Tabasco, Tapatio - hot
Sriracha – we like hot a lot
There’s rennet used for making cheese
And honey from some nice Greek bees.

Tahini, chili paste with garlic, leeks, horseradish, and mizithra
Hoisin sauce, some eggplant, pumpkin butter, goat cheese and harissa

Green tapenade, fresh ginger, lime
Half bottle of some awful wine
That I’ll put in a sauce sometime
And even more that does not rhyme.How about some pomegranate glaze with those sundried tomatoes, kids?
(by the way, the culprit behind the toxic miasma was the feta cheese. It has been contained.)

Here's a picture of W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan drawn by my brilliantly eccentric friend Wahlgren. He's a historian and a cartoonist as well as a huge Gilbert and Sullivan fan. This is just a little detail - the big picture shows the major characters from all their operettas.